Key West Cafe

While I am certainly not one to wish ill on anyone, it would be no great dining loss if a hurricane swept Key West Cafe right out of existence. We ate there last night and will never return. The ambiance was pleasant, with fun beachy music, pineapple & palm tree lights and pictures of old Key West spots on the menus. The evening started out perfectly promising, in fact. There were a number of yummy-looking items on the menu.

Sadly, the evening tanked from there, although our spirits remained high despite the crappy dining experience. In fact, we were nearly giddy with hilarity over how bad the experience was. It started with drinks orders. They had no Bud Select or Modelo for J. She was happy with the Dos Equis she got, though. I was disappointed that they had run out of mint for mojitos, but even the great Casa Juancho sometimes runs out of mint so I ordered a strawberry daiquiri instead. It wasn't a great daiquiri by any means and I wished I'd just had water because it was such a waste of money. It was unpleasantly pulpy, great not-remotely-flavorful lumps of unprocessed berry. Gack.

We vacillated about an appetizer. I was all for the grouper nuggets while J was interested in the grilled shrimp cocktail. I am generally opposed to eating cold shrimp and J didn't want the grouper, so we decided to try the hog dip. A mix of cream cheese, seafood and herbs and served with tortilla chips, we assumed it would be served hot. It was ice cold and rampant with horseradish from the cocktail sauce liberally poured over the top. It was beautifully presented, but tasted no better than chip dip from a 1960s bridge party given by a hostess more interested in cards than in cuisine. Definitely not something we wanted to consume, much less pay $10 for. When the waitress arrived to ask us how it was, we told her it was not good and that also we'd expected it to be warm. Her response was, "Oh, that's too bad. Do you want me to box it up for you so you can maybe munch on it at home later?" What?!? Hell, no! If it's not good, how is taking it home going to improve it? Twit.

I responded that since it was bad, we had no plans to eat it in any environment. I told her it didn't need to be boxed up, it needed to be thrown away and that we'd like to try the nachos instead. Further, if she wasn't comfortable with that, I'd be happy to speak to the manager. With a funny little head shimmy that looked like a remnant of her junior high getting-ready-to-scrap persona, she reluctantly took it away. I saw her talking to three or four other people in the kitchen, pointing our way with more head weaving and bobbing. She finally came out & asked if we'd like to order our entrees. I reiterated our desire to try the nachos, although I wondered if we should just pay for our drinks and go next door to Carrabbas for dinner. We definitely should have. Mmm, calamari...

We waited an interminably long time for our nachos, chatting about vacations we'd like to take and the fact that the cooks were probably spitting in our food. Exasperated, I said to J, "How long do nachos take to make???" Her response: "A long time if you're jacking off in 'em!" We dissolved into fits of laughter, taking up a bit more time as we waited. When the nachos finally arrived, they were quite cold and soggy and unquestionably mediocre in flavor. We were hungry, though, so we ate them, giggling over how hostile our waitress was and how much she seemed to despise us. We sat and sat after finishing our nachos, speculating on the reason our waitress was in this line of work when she so obviously should be doing something that involves no mental acuity or social skills. Mean us. But, it was really quite ridiculous.

I said, "She's not going to come back over here" but, after an age of waiting, she finally meandered our way. I believe she had one other table, so it's not like she was slammed. I think there were three tables in use the whole time we were there, from about 7 until about 9:45. Yes, it took that long. When she arrived at our table, she sullenly asked if we were ready for our check. Why no, we actually would like to split a Cuban sandwich. All of a sudden, she perked right up, gushing about how it's her very favorite. I told our new best friend, whose Prozac must have kicked in, that she should have one in Miami and she gushed that she'd love to. Then, she gushed about her upcoming girls' getaway to Myrtle Beach in July and how "pumped" she was about it. When she brought the Cuban, she also brought us some Cajun mayo, telling us that we'd been ordering just like she orders all night & she thought that we'd like the Cajun mayo just like she does. She gushed about how she'd eat it on anything. The whole experience was just so odd. I am left wondering if the gushing and friendliness was in order to get a tip. Busing our appetizer dishes at some point during the meal would have helped toward that, too. The Cuban was passable, but really, Cuban food shouldn't be spicy. They did it with jerk pork rather than plain pork. But, it was fine. I ate my half, but J was already feeling poorly. Today, she is sick. I felt a little off, but generally have a cast iron digestive system so no more than a little off. No more Key West Cafe for us, though. Not ever.